Step 01
Lifestyle
Confess your routines.
Travel frequency, watering habits, and “I forgot again” energy all go on the record.
Plant doom forecast
How long until your houseplant ghosts you?
Our brutally honest calculator matches your chaotic lifestyle to a likely plant expiration date. No sugarcoating, just a countdown to crispy leaves.
Start the doom calculator
Shareable verdicts. Group chat chaos guaranteed.
“I watered once in March”
Congrats, your fern is already planning its funeral.
“I love plants, I just… forget”
We translate that into a survival timeline, not a guilt trip.
Estimated survival
8.5 days
Low resilience
How it works
Your plant’s fate, reduced to three brutally honest steps.
We translate your habits into a cold, comedic survival estimate. You bring the chaos; we bring the countdown.
Zero green thumbs were harmed
Step 02
Inputs
We score the neglect.
Sunlight? Meh. Humidity? LOL. Our algorithm weighs your chaos against fragile foliage.
Step 03
Verdict
Receive the doom date.
Your plant’s projected expiration arrives with a brutally honest survival timer.
Bonus
Shareable
Laugh, screenshot, repeat.
Share your results and compare doom levels with fellow plant millennial casualties.
Plant mortality brief
The survival stats your fern won’t want you to see.
Fabricated for comedic accuracy. Painfully relatable for the rest of us.
73%
overwatering
Of “thriving” plants are actually drowning under a guilt rinse cycle.
41 days
forgotten watering
Average time between “I should water it” and “oh no.”
5.2
dead succulents
Per person before admitting “maybe it’s me.”
92%
delusional confidence
Claim their plant is “low maintenance” while it actively begs for mercy.